I’m Tired Of Having To Fix, Learn, And Improve All The F**king Time. When Does It Stop?

I’m Tired of Having to Fix, Learn, and Improve all the F**king Time.

Steven Lake is at the end of his rope. Or is it the beginning of a new way of being?

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Do you ever feel like this? Sometimes I am just so tired of all the advice from the media, friends and my partner. I’m not such a bad guy. I have a good heart. I don’t beat people up, I have high moral standards, I do my best with my clients, I treat my wife well – I buy her flowers regularly, I take her out for meals, we have intimate conversations and I am always, yes, always trying to be a better man.

I know I am not perfect (who is?), and I believe in self-improvement. Hell, I have been actively and consciously trying to better myself for forty fricking years. When is enough, enough? Some days I feel like Sisyphus pushing that stone up the mountain knowing full well that come morning I’m going to have to do it all over again.

Where in the world did we get this idea of constantly and never-endingly having to improve? Who sold us on this concept? Maybe it goes back to the bible. You know, those Ten Commandments that some of us find challenging. Or the seven deadly sins that we must avoid at all costs.

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Let’s start with those commandments. Let’s see if I can remember them . . . I’m thinking . . . nope. Well, I remember the one about killing and lusting after your neighbour’s wife. Let’s check in with Mr. Google. Ah yes, the first three have to do with God, graven images, and no other gods. The next one is about swearing and taking His name in vain. Opps, do that one a lot. Then there is keeping the Sabbath holy. Now this one I can get behind. You know, a full day off, with no work and time for family, friends and spiritual development. Scratch that word development, sounds too much like work. Let’s make it . . .  spiritual pursuits.

Honor thy father and mother. Nice idea but some fathers and mothers should never have been parents. Over time I have come to respect and be thankful for all the efforts my parents put out to raise me and my brother. We were highly disrespectful for many years. Sorry Mom, sorry Dad.

Don’t steal. I think we all agree on that one (but what if you are starving?)

Same goes with bearing false witness. That just sucks and why anyone would do this is beyond me. Though, this one seems to be popular with reality shows and soap operas. There is nothing like lying in front of people and getting away with it –until you are found out.

Then we get into the coveting section. You are not supposed to want what your neighbour has: his wife, his house, his animals, his servants, or “anything else.” This one just seems to go against human nature. I think it is called, “Keeping up with the Joneses.” But it gets worse. Let’s examine those seven deadly sins.

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Wrath, avarice, sloth, pride, lust, envy, and gluttony are the bad boys. Or as Wikipedia states, “Each is a form of Idolatry-of-Self wherein the subjective reigns over the objective.” In other words, don’t act on your impulses – use your mind to make rational decisions. Boring!

Wrath. Everyone gets angry. I am so well-conditioned by the needs of society that I rarely let out my anger and when I do, it is so fucking restrained and appropriate. The up side of this is that I haven’t killed anyone even when I’ve felt like it.

Avarice is a sin that few want to admit to on the personal level but which society touts as the way to end all ills. Greed is good and the elevation of the wealthy as the new aristocracy is to be emulated as anyone in America can achieve wealth if they apply themselves and believe in bettering yourself. And money is a great way to keep score. Many of us want more than we have and it is a never ending push to get more. When do we say, I have enough?

When someone is afflicted with the sin of Sloth, it is easy to stick our noses in the air and feel good about ourselves, especially if we are high achievers. Those poor, pot-smoking, ambitionless, lazy people who drain the government coffers and waste our taxes. What’s wrong with them anyways?

And yet, don’t you sometimes think, maybe, they have something figured out. They are living the life of the retired before even having worked. That’s not fair. I’m working my ass off and will probably die within a year of retirement. There is something wrong with the system. Or, at least something wrong with the way I’m using it.

Pride. This one is almost a personality trait. Everyone hates a boastful or prideful person. Enough said. But wait, have you ever had those moments when you feel so good about something that you walk taller, feel fabulous and want the world to know it? It is an amazing feeling. It is like being super confident. If the circumstances warrant it, can’t we allow ourselves that feeling sometimes?

Lust. How did that one make it on the list? Lust is such a great feeling. I feel alive when in touch with my sexual energy. Of course that was very threatening to the Church, especially in the beginning, when they were competing with hedonistic cults that celebrated our fecundity.

And today, we cannot, at least in North America, be overt in our sexuality except when going to private parties, bars and nightclubs. We must hide our needs and desires, mute them to be socially acceptable. I am not advocating that we be misogynist, sexist pigs. No. I just wanna have fun and be in touch with my sensuality. Or in Freudian terms – libido, which is life energy.

Envy is hard to police. Most of us are envious about something someone else has. This doesn’t have to be a bad thing. Oh, sure, if it causes you to lose sleep about what someone has or is able to do – you have a problem. But it could just be a healthy appreciation of what someone has accomplished.

I often use my envy to identify what I want to achieve and then ask myself if I am willing to do what is needed to achieve it. When my friends achieve I get to celebrate and share in their good fortune (or hard work). In a sense, I share in their win. In a very real way I benefit from their wins when I get to sail on their yachts, dine in their mansions or play with their children (the greatest achievement ever).

Gluttony is like sloth, in that it is easy to dismiss and look down on anyone who is gluttonous. For all you perfectly toned people out there, don’t you wish you could just pig out and eat, and eat, and stuff your face with all those rich foods that are soooo bad for you. Don’t you just want to be baaaad and gorge yourself until you are sick just like the Romans did, and then go to the vomitorium and do it all over again? Those Romans sure knew a thing or two about gluttony and feeding the senses.

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Maybe that’s what it is all about. We live in a society that wants us to control our bodies, our senses, and our sensuality. We must be super-achieving monks praying at the altar of success – whatever that means. Nothing you do is good enough. When you achieve a goal you must immediately give yourself a new one lest you become sloth-like and live on your laurels, take a break, relax, replenish yourself or bask in the accomplishment. But watch out for becoming prideful.

I think the Europeans have a saner approach to this issue. In Europe, there are more characters or personalities. You are allowed to be unique. In North America there is blandness forced down our throats by the media and the guardians of morality – churches and the government. Not that those systems don’t exist in Europe, they do, but there is a cultural acceptance for people to be who they are more so than in North America.

Maybe I’m getting old, or just growing up and have come to a place where I am able to stand up and say “Enough is enough. I am who I am and that is enough.” Maybe the time has come for me to just be and not worry about fixing, learning and improving. After all, for whom am I trying to get better?

Photo: Flickr/onlyz1/a thousand million dollars

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